Since Liam, I haven’t written much about the events between him and my life now. Actually, I’ve written so many times but never published any of it, I guess I just couldn’t put all of me in those pieces and always felt kind of blocked. Anyways, so here’s what’s been going on in the life of Mesh. A lot has changed in my life, most for the better. Some are still a challenge.
When I got out of hospital, Louis and I continued to re-grow our relationship. We were willing to make things work for Liam but deep inside I knew that my heart wasn’t completely committed to him. There’s just too much that went wrong and neither one of us would be able to see pass it all, anytime soon. I went for counselling to deal with the events of last year, it really helped. I have new respect for psychologists – I thought they were a bunch of quackers telling people about their feelings. My psychologist didn’t try any mind games on me, we spoke like adults about the things that happened, about how I handled certain situations. She gave me time alone to think and process things for myself. It really wasn’t one of those “And how did that make you feel?” sessions that I assumed it would be. I was given the opportunity to write Liam a letter, telling him about all the things I wish I could have said to him. Things that I wish I could have changed. How important he was in my life. And how loved he was by many people. At first I hesitated to write and then everything just poured out of me and as I wrote, a river of tears followed but I couldn’t stop writing. I put the letter in an envelope and it went into “my file”. I think the psychologist really just wanted me to let it all out. I think, more so, because I wasn’t giving myself the full opportunity to let him go. I wouldn’t allow my family or friends see me weak, crying was not an option. It made me go a little crazy, because my family couldn’t support me in the way I needed – I just kept pushing everyone away. All hell broke loose one day and I realized that I needed to do something about my built-in anger. Therapy was great but I still forced my emotions into a deep, dark, sealed box. I changed myself, I forced myself into expressing my emotions because I didn’t want to hurt the important people in my life anymore. I wanted them around me always, I wanted to talk about what happened, about how I feel. I wanted to scream and cry and be hugged and consoled. So the hard exterior had to go. Slowly everything starting feeling more OK. I was getting over losing Liam, I started accepting it. Well as well as any mother could, but I felt like a better person. Life looked so much more positive. There are times when I wonder what would have happened if I chose to be selfish – just keep him and take everything one day at a time. How long would I have had him? Would he be a happy little boy or would he be in pain and would I be able to sooth him? I had him for the exact time I he was intended for me. We had all the adventures that we were meant to share. It was time that I started living my life and leave my boy looking down from heaven smiling at his mad-hatter mummy. It’s six months now, since I got to hold my little boy. It’s still tough but I can handle it now. I can smile and enjoy thinking about him in my arms and in my belly.
I know I’m not ready to have another child now, not anytime soon at least. Plus, I’m in a new relationship so no chance of that being on the cards right now. Oh ja…new boyfriend – he’s so wonderful! But that’s a story for another blog. But I’m doing well, my life is back on track, I’m not in therapy anymore. I sleep a bit better. I’ve joined the gym again and getting my old body back. I’m just loving life and exploring a bright new world with the worlds most amazing man. There’s a few hurdles I’m working on – but things are looking up.